my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
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History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
🌱🌱🌱
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Happy Taco Tuesday
me
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?