If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
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Dyslexics are teople poo!
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Perfect
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.