I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
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A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
“Why you watching this shit?”
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
You sure about that?
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??