*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
You Might Also Like
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
…..pretty much.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.