To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
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Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Meow
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
best first i’ve ever seen
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile