finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
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Donkey I Shreked the Kids
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
I wish I were this cool 😂
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years