[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
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Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
$4 #usedbooks
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.