Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
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grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends