Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
You Might Also Like
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.