Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
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I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
the dark web is just a goth google.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.