“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
You Might Also Like
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.