*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
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[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.