I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
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I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
R.I.P.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though