You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
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*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
repaired
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.