Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
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My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”