At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
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I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
My god she’s good.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”