Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
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You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis: