[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
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Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”