*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
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I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-