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Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
President The Rock Obama
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Wait a minute…
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.