The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
You Might Also Like
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.