Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
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We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.