I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
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Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.