I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
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12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost