Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
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Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Good dog. ❤️
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!