ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
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THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”