Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
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Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days