Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
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[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.