Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
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MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
peeping toms
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
“i miss shittin on people”
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn