So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
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People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
mood
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
This checks out
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”