The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
You Might Also Like
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.