[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
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I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.