My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
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Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”