Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
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Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
🤣🤣🤣
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
The cashier just checked me out.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
We need more people like this.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?