Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
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you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.