*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
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No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”