My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
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My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh