I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
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I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
channeling her this year
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”