My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
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Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years