“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
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Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Breaking news:
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.