Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
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me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
I cannot stop laughing at this
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
SCHRĂ–DINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRĂ–DINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.