I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
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I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
AM I BEING GASLIT????
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Eat…