AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
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Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”