The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
You Might Also Like
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
My background check bounced.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…