I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
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I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.