What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
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imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.