“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
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Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.