[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
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“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.