I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
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My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Happy thanksgiving!
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
@funTweeters
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.