Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
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me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
i prefer mine room temperature.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Simple
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Every haunted house movie:
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open